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Mark, Geoff and *Ben - from near Canberra

Geoff, Mark and Foster Son *Ben.

Geoff and Mark, two gay dads in their 50s, have opened up their home and hearts to Ben, who now gets to grow up on a farm near the ACT, surrounded by horses, dogs, cats and lots of room to run around. They've built a beautiful family and have a supportive community that keeps them connected.

If you’re curious about fostering or want to hear more from other parents, check out our upcoming Barnardos Fostering Webinar 

📅 Date: October 21
🕒 Time: 6pm to 7:30pm
🌐 Where: Zoom (Registration)


 

I wanted to ask about your fostering journey - what made you consider it?

It was always in the back of my mind. One day, a Facebook ad popped up on my phone, and that’s what set things in motion. After that initial ad, I made a phone call, and we moved forward with the fostering agency, ACT Together. (Barnardos is the lead agency in the ACT Together consortium.)

Did you have any preferences or deal breakers about the child you’d foster?

They ask that very directly because they want to make sure it’s a good match, especially since this is meant to be Ben's forever home until he's 18 and then he can choose to do what he likes, but, but this will always be his home.

We were open to any nationality, any options, but we said no to a child who had been cruel to animals given we have so many. Fortunately for all of us, Ben loves animals.

How was the process for you as a non-traditional family?

They were really supportive - very open-minded and relaxed, no issues at all with us being two dads. We had the same questionnaire as everyone else. One of the questions was about being willing to homeschool if COVID lockdowns continued. Of course, we said yes. The process flowed smoothly from there; we went through numerous interviews and steps, it's quite a journey. You have to share a lot about your personal history, the good and the not so good and what you can offer a child.

The process initially involved a lot of interviews, and finally, we faced a panel that reviewed a detailed report about us and asked us more questions.

It was interesting because the intake team knew us quite well by the end, and they approved us. Because of our age, they suggested we take an older child, not a baby. We were open to fostering a child five years and older, but they thought a seven- or eight-year-old would be ideal. They also provided extra support like counselling, which was great. We would meet with our counsellor for coffee while Ben was in his sessions, which helped us navigate the first year more smoothly.

How does the process unfold from there?

Each family gets a support team that helps match you with a child. It all starts with the initial phone call about a potential match.

After passing various screenings and panels, they prepared us for the transition. We first met Ben and his carer in a neutral spot to spend a few hours together. Then we visited his place, and he visited ours. His carer was very accommodating, letting us take our time to get to know him. The whole process took about two weeks, and he moved in with us just before Australia Day. 

How has it been since Ben settled in?

Ben was nine when he came to live with us. He's just celebrated his 11th birthday.

There have been some challenges, for sure, but overall, it's been really good - great, actually. We feel lucky. Ben has added such a unique layer to our lives. We're not exactly young anymore, but I don't see our age as an obstacle. Some people have asked us, "Why would you do this now?" And my response is always, "Why not?" We weren't able to have kids when we were younger, and it wasn't really discussed much back then. I only realised how possible it was when I saw that Facebook ad. That made me think we should give it a try. Mark was a bit hesitant at first - there’s usually one who's more reluctant - but it's turned out to be really good for both of us. No regrets! 

And how does Ben feel about having two dads, has that ever come up as a topic?

No, he doesn't care. Doesn't worry him at all. Basically, when it comes Mother's Day, we get Mother's Day presents. When it comes Father's Day, we get Father’s Day presents!

What's been beneficial for Ben to help him adjust and feel settled?

Enrolling Ben in Cubs was a game-changer, and I'd recommend that for anyone with kids, especially in fostering. It's a fantastic way for them to socialise quickly with other kids. Cubs and Scouts are all about helping them become more self-sufficient and building resilience, which is a great thing to have. We do everything from camping to hikes. Also, as part of Cubs, they can undertake something called the Gray Wolf. Ben is starting that now, where he has to plan an entire day out, like hiking or biking. He runs the whole event, which really boosts his confidence and self-esteem.

Recently, Ben and I started playing pickleball too. I was a bit hesitant at first because I had an injury, but it turned out to be a lot of fun, and now we go twice a week. It’s more than just a game; it’s become a lovely social event. Even though Ben is the youngest player there, surrounded mostly by adults, everyone has been incredibly welcoming. They've really taken him in, and he loves it. It's wonderful to see how quickly he's become part of the group.

Do you have ongoing support?

Yes, one of the best parts about fostering is that you're never alone, especially if it's your first time. The support provided is excellent. For example, Ben benefits from a tailored NDIS plan that helps with his learning abilities and ADHD, and they manage all the details, so we don't have to stress about it. That definitely makes life simpler. They're also very proactive about ensuring his schooling is appropriate and helping us navigate that, making life a bit easier in many respects. Also, Mark and I have our own support person who checks in with us regularly. There are also workshops available that keep us informed and learning because most of the kids have got pretty big trauma issues. So, learning how to manage it, that kind of thing. But yeah, lots of different little one day courses. They're all free, so it's an ongoing process of education and support.

Are there any special moments that you would like to share?

One of the best things we’ve done since Ben joined our family was getting him a dog. About three months after he came to live with us, we decided to surprise him with a chocolate Labrador named Pirate. We planned to introduce Pirate to Ben at his school. I told the staff there might be a good moment for photos, so when we arrived, the principal, deputy principal, his teachers, and support staff were all waiting. As Ben walked past our car, he initially didn’t notice Pirate. But when he did, the moment was just magical. The teachers, who’ve known him since preschool, were in tears - so was I. Having Pirate has given Ben a special kind of joy and responsibility. He says, ‘I’m Pirate’s dad,’ which really shows the deep bond they've developed. It’s amazing to see how much love and confidence a pet has brought into his life - to have something to care for that’s just his.

What’s the thing you've enjoyed most about fostering that maybe you didn't foresee when you were considering it?

What I've enjoyed most about fostering, something I hadn't anticipated, is how it opens up a completely new world. It's a world you're not exposed to until you have a family, and it doesn't matter what your background is, everyone can relate when you hit a rough patch. There's often a lot of help that comes from that, too. People offer to lend a hand, like picking him up from school if you're stuck. You find yourself building a network of contacts and support. It becomes a close-knit group of people you know you can trust and rely on. So, in a way, your own life flourishes more because of the child and the connections you make as a result of being a parent.

If someone in our community was considering fostering, or was on the fence, what would you tell them?

If you have any thoughts about doing it. Don't delay, get out there and do it is what I say, because it will enrich your life, it's just magic, you just can't put it into words. It's about the journey you're going to go on. It’s going to be full of amazing things, challenges, fun, happiness, memories, yeah, you name it. It's all there.

I just say, you know, just do it!

If anyone would like to talk to you directly about fostering, would you be happy to speak with them?

Absolutely, if anyone needs to reach out or has any questions about fostering, I’m happy to chat with them. It’s important to share experiences and support each other wherever we can.

 

* not his real name.


 

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