Kai Noonan is a queer, non-binary parent and Rainbow Families board member – doing what so many of us are—navigating the ups and downs of raising a little one. In this story, Kai shares a glimpse into their family life and what matters most to them as a parent.
Q: Can you tell me a little bit about your journey to parenthood, and how you decided it was the right time to start a family?
Honestly, I’ve wanted to be a parent for as long as I can remember. It probably came as a bit of a surprise to some of my friends, especially during my 20s and early 30s. I think people assumed I wasn’t the ‘parent type’ because I was so focused on partying, travelling and my career. It’s not that they thought I’d be a bad parent — more that it just didn’t seem to match the life I was living at the time.
But then my biological clock kicked in. I felt like I was still in my twenties, but I was actually 37 — and there was suddenly a real sense of urgency. That definitely helped put things into motion.
If I’d been in a heterosexual relationship, I think I would’ve been pregnant much earlier. But when you're part of the LGBTQ+ community, there are more barriers — and that can feel daunting. It becomes this big, complex question of Where do you even begin? and How do you make it happen? But when that sense of urgency hit, I knew it was now or never. Parenthood was something I had always really wanted, and I didn’t want to miss my chance.
Kai, Claire and Jude – Yuin country/South Coast NSW.
Q: And how did your partner respond when you brought this up?
I actually told her on our very first date! I’d just come out of a long-term relationship where we’d started seriously planning to have kids. After that ended, I’d decided I was going to do it on my own. So when I met my current partner, I just said, “I want to have a baby now, just so you know.”
She was a bit taken aback — in a funny way — and said, “Well, can you at least buy me a drink first?” She had been less certain about having children at the time and wanted to wait a couple of years, which made sense. She wanted to really get to know someone before taking that step. She was definitely more practical than I was.
We met seven years ago, and we had our first child, Jude, two years ago.
Q: How did you go about finding a donor and making it all happen?
iõWe seriously considered two of them.
In the end, we chose a close friend I’d lived with for six years. I knew him well, and I knew his family. He didn’t want children of his own, but he was happy to be involved in a child’s life in more of an “uncle” role. It felt like the right match.
We tried to think through all the risks and unknowns that can come with a known donor arrangement. You can’t predict everything, but we put thought into how we’d handle anything that might come up. And we also thought about the donor’s family — what it might mean for them. In our case, I’d stayed at his parents’ house, I knew his siblings. That familiarity helped us feel more confident.
We were lucky. A lot of people want a known donor but don’t know anyone they trust enough. We felt really fortunate — and we knew that the friends offering to be donors were also thinking about us and the kind of parents we’d be. It was a two-way consideration.
Q: And now that you’re trying for baby number two — did you go back to the same donor?
Yes, we did. At first, we considered asking someone else — another really close friend of my partner’s — and we thought, Why not? We were thinking the more loving, supportive adults in a child’s life, the better. Plus, it would be a beautiful opportunity for another man we care about to be involved in that way.
But after having Jude, we started thinking more about the sibling relationship. I carried our first baby, and now we’re trying for our second — this time, my partner will carry. So biologically, one of us won’t be connected to each child. That doesn’t matter to us — but we realised it might matter to our children.
What if one day a classmate says, “You’re not really siblings”? What if the biological connection becomes important to them in a way we can’t predict? So we decided to use the same donor — to give them that biological link to each other in case it matters to them.
Q: And how has that process gone so far?
The first time was pretty straightforward — we did home insemination, the classic “turkey baster” method. It worked and was fairly simple.
The second time around has been a lot more complicated. We moved out of Sydney and now live four hours away from our donor, so we’ve been going through a public hospital. But navigating the system has been tough.
Living regionally means we have to travel to Sydney for five - ten days each cycle. Our local clinic can’t process blood tests quickly enough, sowe have to get daily blood tests in Sydney during that time..
To be honest, I really miss the simplicity and comfort of doing it at home. At one point, we even considered going back to that method just for a break. Being at our donor’s place felt like a bit of a holiday. No tests, no stress and it is more intimate for my partner and I… it was tempting.
Q: Were there any other challenges along the way?
Yes — all the usual delays that can come with trying to fall pregnant, plus a few more. I had a miscarriage due to a complete molar pregnancy, and for a while there were concerns it might be cancer related so I wasn’t allowed to try again for six months.
So, there were emotional setbacks and physical delays — plus the added logistics and complexities that come with not being in a heterosexual relationship. It was a lot.
Q: Did your experience as queer parents ever create any extra barriers in the healthcare system?
In terms of being queer, no — not really. We went through RPAH in Sydney, and the staff were amazing. I didn’t experience any hostility about being a same-sex parent.
But I identify as non-binary, and that part was harder. My GP had written ‘non-binary’ on the referral, and the hospital doctor crossed it out and wrote ‘female’ without even asking. That moment was upsetting — especially for my partner — but I decided early on that my focus was on getting pregnant. I knew the emotional and physical load of pregnancy would already be a lot. I didn’t have the capacity to take on extra battles, like educating staff or correcting people constantly. So, I chose the path of least resistance.
We also encountered outdated systems. Forms still asked for the “father,” not “partner” or “parent.” And there was sometimes a lack of awareness. Doctors were really pushing for a C-section — citing things like my age, having had COVID during pregnancy, and assuming it was an IVF baby. One even said, “Well, it’s an IVF baby,” and I had to explain that it wasn’t. It was frustrating, especially when I got a different doctor every appointment.
But overall, the staff were kind and supportive. It’s just that the systems haven’t caught up yet. The culture is changing, but the paperwork and policies still lag behind.
Q: What role has community played in your parenting journey?
When my child was born, I was excited to join parenting groups. I’m a very social, active person and was really looking forward to building new friendships. I was placed in a local parent group through Child and Family Health Services — but it didn’t feel like the right fit.
People were talking about things like how to keep a bow on a baby girl’s head or which priest they were using for their baby’s christening. All totally valid — but I just couldn’t relate. I left feeling disappointed, because I’d been looking forward to finding my tribe.
Then I joined a Rainbow Families play group — and found exactly what I needed.
Rainbow Families gave me a sense of belonging when I needed it most. As LGBTQ+ people — like many in minority communities — we often seek out others who just get it. Rainbow Families offered that shared understanding and community, which is still a big part of my life now.
Q: If you could go back and give yourself one piece of advice before starting your parenting journey, what would it be?
Trust. Trust your intuition, trust your body, trust your baby.
I still can’t believe how much your body just knows what to do during pregnancy and birth. I really didn’t expect that. I didn’t have to do anything — my body just knew. It was incredible.
And maybe this is a bit of a side note, but as someone who’s non-binary — and with more and more trans and non-binary parents out there — I want to say this too: I was terrified I’d hate my body. I thought I wouldn’t be able to body feed. I worried I’d struggle because it all felt like such a “feminine” experience.
But none of that happened. I’ve never felt more at peace with my body. I’ve never respected my body more than I did during that time. That won’t be everyone’s experience, but I was pleasantly surprised.
Q: What has been the biggest highlight of your parenting journey so far?
Honestly? I just love spending time with my son. He’s two and a half, and he’s not in daycare . I think I’m unusual among some of my friends in that I genuinely enjoy being with him all day.
The way I see it, once he starts pre-school, then it’s school, then university — then he’s an adult and might not want to hang out with me anymore. So, I’m soaking up this time while he still thinks I’m the best thing in the world.
Like today — he was putting on his pants and said, “Right leg, left leg,” and he got it right! I just stared at him thinking, How do you even know that? He surprises me every day — he’s hilarious, clever, curious. It’s awe-inspiring. I love it.
Q: That’s such a beautiful perspective.
Thank you. My partner and I both work part-time so we can be home with him more. I don’t want to come across like one of those “Instagram perfect” parents — I know it’s not like this for everyone. But for me and my partner, this stage has been something we’ve genuinely loved.
Everyone says your first kid tricks you into thinking you want a second. Maybe we’ve been lucky. Maybe our second will be a totally wild ride. But for now, I just feel incredibly lucky to love parenting this much.
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