Meet John and Tien
John is a single dad living in Brisbane with his 6-year-old son, Tien. Their journey to becoming a family wasn’t straightforward, but through fostering, love and perseverance, John found his path to parenthood and Tien found his family.

Can you tell us a bit about yourself and your family?
I am a single dad living with my beautiful 6-year-old son, Tien, in an apartment in South Brisbane.

When did you first know you wanted to be a dad?
I only began seeing the idea of being a dad as possible for me in my 30s. I explored surrogacy in a previous relationship but then went it alone unsuccessfully in 2016 when the embryo transfer did not take. I then put the whole idea of fatherhood to bed until I met my ex, who was interested in fostering.

What path did you take to become a parent?
In late 2020 my ex and I became foster carers for Tien, who was just 19 months old at the time. It was love at first sight meeting him in his emergency/short-term placement foster carer’s home. He took my hand and showed me his toys. Over the next few years we proceeded with the difficult task of applying to the courts to become his legal guardians.

Can you share a little more about how your child was conceived and how everything unfolded?
My sisters have always been an amazing support. They were there through all the trials and tribulations of court dates and setbacks. In 2024 my ex and I broke up and I have been Tien’s primary carer, and again my sisters were wonderful during that difficult period. My ex is still actively involved in Tien’s life every second week and Tien loves their time together.

Were there any challenges or hurdles you faced on your journey to becoming a parent?
During the surrogacy days it was unfair legislation and costs that were such a stumbling block, as governments made surrogacy illegal. This was heartbreaking as for a lot of LGBTQ+ people this was really the only option.

Later fostering had its challenges too, with monthly home visits while working full time and caring for a baby. Then there was the constant fear of our son being returned to kin. In my eyes Tien and I are connected as strongly as any blood relations. We were meant to be a family and he is my son. It was an amazing feeling for the courts to recognise that in 2023 when we became his legal parents.

How did your friends, family, or the LGBTQ+ community support you during that time?
Friends and family have been amazing since day one of having Tien. They have embraced him as their grandson, nephew, cousin or godson from the beginning. We are so grateful for all our family and friends who give our son unconditional love.

Do you remember the moment you first met your son? What stands out from that day?
I remember him standing on the doorstep with a curly ponytail and a dummy in his mouth. He looked at me with curiosity and then wanted to show me things in his room. We heard the dog next door bark and he took his dummy out and said “Henry.”

Have you had any experiences—positive or challenging—as a gay single dad at school, childcare or in public?
We have been pretty lucky really and have not faced much discrimination. I have felt incredible empathy for women, particularly single working mums, as I have seen how male employers often have very little regard for the complexities of working full time and having a small child.

I have struggled when my child has been sick and needed collecting from childcare, or when my work expected me to stay late when childcare was closed. I assume these male employers have always had a wife or partner at home caring for their children, so working late or running out of sick leave may not have been an issue for them.

Is there anything you'd like to see changed around the way LGBTQ+ families have to navigate creating their families?
Oh yes, plenty. I wish Australia would stop seeing international adoption in a negative light. There are so many gay men who struggle to have babies and may not have a female in their lives willing to be a surrogate. This really only leaves international surrogacy, which often costs hundreds of thousands. Adoption is rarely an option, as yearly adoption figures in Australia are often single digits in many states, with most being kin adoptions.

I find it cruel that international adoption is not supported by government here, and also that surrogacy is made so tricky for those who don’t have a volunteer surrogate.

Do you find being a single parent tricky at times?
Yes, absolutely. I have my son over 70% of the time and try to do a great job while also working full time. It is so rewarding but also challenging.

I try to have no screen time during the week, which my son does not like and challenges me on daily. Instead I try reading, puzzles, exercise or colouring, but of course he would choose TV if given the choice. It takes a lot of persistence to stay strong and consistent.

My son has some learning needs at the moment so he needs daily practice with fine and gross motor skills. He is also a reluctant reader so I need to make daily reading fun—or when that fails, try bribery. There’s a lot of expectation on parents.

My son is stubborn too, but he is also absolutely beautiful, charming and funny, so it is all worth it. He is my favourite human and a joy to be around.

Looking back, is there anything you’d change or tweak along the way?
No, not really. All the mistakes help you learn a better path.

What advice would you give someone considering a similar pathway to parenthood?
Absolutely consider long-term fostering as a path to parenthood. There are thousands of kids needing a home in Australia.

Do you have any tips for intended parents before they begin or even while they parent?
Link up with gay parent support groups online. There are many great people on forums who will open their hearts and support our community members.